ENTERTAINMENT / Hot Pot Column
Not so happy New Year for snakes on a plain
By Graham Bond (China Daily)
Updated: 2007-03-01 09:26
Call me a killjoy, but when New Year rolls around, I account it high time
to get golfing. It's not that I don't like having firecrackers thrown at
me or being made to hand out cash-stuffed envelopes. There is a perverse
thrill/sense-of-grating-fulfilment associated with each.
My chief gripe concerns the seething mass of humanity. Not even my own
living room is protected against crowds, noise and billows of second-hand
smoke. The fairways represent the only sanctuary I know.
So it was that I found myself striding down the 14th hole of my nearest
course, a 418-yard Par 4 with trees to the right, green-side bunkers and
barely a crowd-control marshal in sight. Peace and quiet was finally
mine. That was until the caddy began screaming.
Apparently the signs warning players to "Beware of Snake" had not been a
joke as the mythical beast had materialized before us. Anyone unfortunate
enough to hear the girl's howls would have concluded that the "snake" was
an anaconda with giant fangs and an ability to fly and not as was the
case a 12-inch tiddler idling across the grass.
But someone did hear the screams and form this very same impression, for
a knight in shining armor and a "marshal" cap on his head now appeared on
the horizon. Imploring his electric buggy to greater and greater feats of
speed, he veered onto the fairway and charged towards the scene of terror
in a peculiar zigzag angle of attack.
Given the marshal's inability to remain on a linear course, it was
especially courageous of him to decide to save us by running the creature
over.
What steely nerves he possessed to remain cool as the snake disappeared
under his tires, only to emerge virtually unharmed! How few would have
had the presence of mind to remedy this impotency by running it over
again, this time using reverse! And how many former saviors of women and
children would then have had the courage to step down and engage the
half-flattened snake in hand-to-hand combat!
With wooden stick in hand, the marshal gallantly beat the beast until its
tail could spasm no more and the caddy's screaming had abated. With the
carcass squeezed dry, the marshal formed a pincer with thumb and
forefinger and dropped the leftovers into a bag before re-mounting his
buggy, winking at us and disappearing into the distance.
While the caddy swooned, I lamented my latest failure to secure some New
Year respite. Judging by the twinkle in the marshal's eye (and his
Cantonese extraction), I began to suspect that his victim would likely
spend 2007 contributing to the slow fermentation of a jar of homemade
snake wine.
And thus, my resolution for the next New Year was conceived. I pledge to
spend the week blind drunk on she jiu (snake wine). Not only will I be
oblivious to the crowds, firecrackers and requests for "lucky money", I
may also have the comfort of knowing my reptilian friend didn't die in
vain.
To comment or contribute e-mail hotpot@chinadaily.com.cn
(China Daily 03/01/2007 page20)
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